Mothers Day Mess

This is what happens when this Mother takes a day or two off her regular duties. I try to remind myself that I would be so bored if I had a clean house.

One week ago

Last Tuesday my family buried my youngest sibling - Alex. It was the most difficult day I've had in my entire life (delivering my babies included). It's not an easy thing to lose someone you love. I never understood that phrase until now. Today was a particularly bad day for me. I'm not sure if it's because of all the memories of last Tuesday, or because of the gloomy weather. Nevertheless, I've done a whole lot of sobbing today. Thank goodness for tissues with lotion.

I took this picture of "Al bob" in August of 2011. He never wanted to have his picture taken, so I consider it a major miracle that I have this one. As I look as his happy smiling face it seems like a terrible nightmare that he has been taken away from our family.

Alex was a wonderful 19 year old who had recently started going back to church because he realized his life was lonely and without purpose. Oddly enough, he had just purchases a brand new suit the week before he passed. My mother calls it inspiration - I call it desperately sad. Alex looked so amazing in that new suit while he laid so peacefully in his casket.

The last time I saw Alex was at an impromptu family bar-b-que we hosted at our house two weeks before he passed away. I am so thankful for that happy time we got to spend with each other. He and I would always laugh about the way his phone received text messages. He had it set on a high pitched buzz so that my Mom wouldn't be able to hear it. Funny enough, he and I were the only ones that could out of my entire family. I think that high pitch buzzes will always remind me of him.

I went to the grocery store today and say a kid that looked similar to Alex. It was painful. I left the store chocking the tears back and my sweet 4 year old asked me if I was crying again because of Uncle Alex. Yes, sweetheart, I am. He asked me if I will still cry when he is old and grownup. I told him I think I will always cry until I'm back with Al Bob again.

Alex loved his motorcycle. I dare to say that he loved it more then anything he has ever had in his entire life. On the evening of April 25th he took his motorcycle up Payson canyon for a beautiful ride - one that he would never return from. Coming down he lost control of the bike and went off the side of the road. He landed on his head 20 feet below in a river. Someone saw him in the river and tried to call 911 but there was no cell service. Thankfully, others were willing to drive down the canyon while other witnesses tried to pull Al out of the river. An autopsy was done and blunt force trauma was his cause of death. Of all the ways to go, I'm glad he 1) did it while having fun on his motorcycle 2) was killed on impact so he wasn't in much pain.

I've always had a persistent feeling that I would experience the death of a loved one. I've always assumed that it meant I would lose my husband. Perhaps that will still happen, but I never thought I would lose my little brother. 

I've learned a lot about grief and how badly it can hurt. In the short time since Al's death (only 13 days) I've learned that it doesn't help to hold the sadness in. I've learned that talking about it to anyone who will listen helps the process. I've also learned that nobody will ever be able to take the sorrow away. I've been told that losing a loved one is a process and that it takes time to heal. I've never been a patient person and I often get frustrated with this process. However, the outpouring of love from so many people keeps me going on the rough days. 

Like today - the hubby was abnormally late coming home from work. In fact when he wasn't home 90 minutes after his normal routine I called his office. His sweet and amazing assistant answered the phone and explained that they had been tied up working on a presentation for an upcoming Conference. Then, with genuine caring in her voice she asked how I was doing. She listened while I sobbed and sobbed and then she offered me this comfort - having it hurt so bad is proof that you loved the person deeply. She's absolutely right. This sweet lady is my idol. She lost her husband years ago, and without any children of her own, she has spent many days and nights sobbing. In fact, she told me if I ever needed a sobbing partner to call her up. I just might do that. I still have a lot to learn and she is a very wise teacher.

It seems like everyday or so someone will say something that makes me really think about things. For instance, this past Sunday a cousin said that just because something is different doesn't mean it has to be bad. This experience is so different from me and I'm trying my best not to make it a bad thing. I also read this morning in the scriptures about how obstacles are what make us stronger. Will this sorrow make me stronger? I already feel it refining and defining my inner strength. I think the key for me it to realize that grief is a process. I will always miss my brother. I will always wish that he was here. I will always wonder why he was taken from us. But, at the end of the day, I realize that this life is a time to prepare to meet my God and while I'm doing so I'll always be working towards being back with my brother again.

At his funeral my mother asked me to please speak. I knew it would be an emotional struggle for me to speak, but I was able to compose this poem about my brothers boots that he wore.

His shoes were simple sandals

The roads were paved with dust

He went about healing thousands

Often with a simple touch.

His life was full of service

He loved with all his heart

He cared for those most needy

Love, set Him apart.

Because of Christ, our Savior

My brother Alex will live again

This time is just a parting

Until I meet with him again.

Al’s shoes are so much bigger

Then my feet will ever be

But, his love for friends and family

Is the quality most dear to me

These shoes represent

A life so large and strong

Serving others was his mantra

He lived it his whole life long

While your anxiously engaged

In the work there is to do

Don’t forget we need your comfort

To help us make it through.

One day we’ll all be together

In that Heavenly home above

And then – finally – we’ll understand

Your short earthly labor of love.

Alex worked at Oil N' Go and these boots protected his feet from all sorts of hazards day in and day out. I'm so thankful that my Mom gave his boots to me. A few days after Alex passed I was down at the parents house and she told me they were all ruined because of the accident. However, when I inspected them, they didn't look that bad. So I took them home and they inspired me to write the poem. Right now his boots  are being displaying in my front room because I can't stop thinking about them. A little pathetic I know, but it sure has helped me when the heartache is really bad.

I know Heavenly Father is, and will continue to hold my hand through this difficult and painful process. I only hope that I will be a humble and submissive student as I learn the things he requires of me. Until next time.

-Laurie Ann

A Fond Farewell

You came into my life at a point of new beginnings 

The babe within my arms kept me constantly spinning 

Nights of screaming and days of soothing was the world we lived each day 

Not knowing that someday all the craziness would go away. 

Now that we’ve passed the newborn test 

You and I - as proof - can attest 

Daily joy and pain can be a momentary trial 

When you understand it's helped us become quite versatile. 

*Just after Peter was born we bought a HUGE container of this stuff. Sadly, this month the entire jar finally ran out. Hence, the inspiration to write this little ditty.

Call me, Maybe.

Quite a few weeks ago I was interested in teaching myself how to do the splits. So, I did what any normal person would do....I did a google search. I stumbled upon the most amazing gal - Casey. She has taught me a lot about my own personal journey of getting into shape. Recently, she posted this little goodie which I can almost do without stopping. I seriously love her and the positive energy she exudes.

Call Me Maybe Squats

Easter Sunday

This year Brandon and I had the chance to teach Peter's class at church on Easter Sunday. Of course, the lesson was focused on the death and resurrection of Christ. When I told all the children that it was time to color this special picture, Peter asked for a grey crayon and he drew this. When we got home we talked about his picture.  He told me that it was a picture of Jesus on the cross. Over the next several days he would frequently ask me why Jesus had to die on the cross, why they put nails in his hands and feet, and why he had a sword wound in his side. This was the first chance I'd ever had to talk with him about Jesus dying, and I found myself at a loss of words on how to describe the events without over whelming his 4 year old mind. I hope in some way he understood what I was trying to teach him.

I am thankful that Christ willing sacrificed his life for me, so that I will be able to live with him, and my family/friends again for eternity. Without that assurance, my life would be devoid of any hope and peace.

Fun times in March

This post is full of fun pictures that we've taken this month. This first picture has easily become the favorite one of me and Luke. One morning I handed Peter the camera and asked if he would take a picture of me. Before he could snap it, Luke jumped on my lap and posed too. This easily might be the only picture I have of Luke actually smiling in a picture. The sign in back of this picture is completely appropriate - we were so lucky to get such a good one.

Every month we get together as a family down at my parnets to have a FHE lesson and dinner. This time my Mom had the lesson and we talked about Lehi and Sariah taking their family to the promised land. We got to experience what it would be like live in a tent. The boys really loved the object lesson. They thought eating dinner in the tent was awesome.

One day I had to clean the bathroom. Just as I was about to clean the toilet Peter volunteered to do it. He looks abnormally grown up in this picture. It makes me realize that sooner then later he is going to be  grown up and capable of cleaning up after himself without me nagging him.

Brandon has started letting the boys drive us home from church. This was Luke's first time and he loved it. I'm nervous every time he lets them, but I endure it because I remember my Dad doing the same thing with me while I was little. Fun memories, in my opinion, need to be cultivated more frequently while children are young.

Last week Peter brought home the dreaded piece of paper saying that he had been given the assignment to give a talk in Primary. I've been dreading this slip of paper. While I tried to get Peter excited about writing the talk I ended up doing it because it became a power struggle between us. Then, today when he was suppose to get up to the microphone and do it, he became incapable of walking and just screamed that he didn't want to do it. Nevertheless, I made him stand at the front of the room with me while I gave his talk. I'm sure it won't be the most embarrassing moment I have as his mother. Oh, my shy Peter.....

January 28, 2011

Brandon was also able to cut Luke's cord which was so special. To me, it symbolizes his willingness to support and assist me in raising this child.

February 26, 2010

Brandon was able to work on the computer tonight and he sort of got it working. I was so happy about that. it's been a nightmare trying to live without a computer.

May 26, 2009

Brandon was in a grumpy mood this evening. I don't know why. He spent quite a while complaining about school and how much he hates it. I tried to be a good listener, but I was feeling so tired that I didn't care much.

November 18, 2008

Life just isn't as sweet once you get married.

Just as a side note, this was written 12 days after our first baby was born. Sleep deprivation was making a little monster out of me.