2013 - A Year of Trials and Triump

I've often heard it said that God doesn't give you any trials that you aren't able to handle. For most of my life I believed that saying, although I'd never been given any trial that I felt was "extreme" or "unbearable" (although I thought at the time the courtship with Brandon came pretty close to unbearable because Brandon was so slow).

Then, this year my 19 year old brother was killed in a motorcycle accident very unexpectedly. To say that my whole world came crashing down in front of me would be an understatement. My very existence was shattered and I learned that I was indeed a weak person and didn't even know who I was or what I believed in. The first few weeks were particularly difficult and I often wondered what the point was in continuing to live my life.

It has taken many months of deep contemplation and many sleepless nights to finally come to grasp the reality that my brother is gone and won't be coming back into my life. At least not in my mortal life. I've had the unique blessing of feeling him particularly close in two very vivid dreams and many times throughout routine days when I felt like I needed a bit of reassurance. I know he is nearby watching and helping me and my little family whenever he can.

Anyway, I've learned an awful lot of things this past year. I've learned that it only takes a split moment for your life to change drastically. I've learned that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ really are there for you when you feel like you can't take one more breath. I've also learned that it's okay to be sad, grieve, and even be angry. I've also accepted the fact that Alex is gone and I still have to go on with my life without him. I'm also glad I've got someone up in heaven waiting for me. It makes me excited for my time to die (I know that sounds a bit morbid) so I can see him again and talk to him like we've never talked before. I also can't wait to see what a handsome perfect being he now is. If I could wrap all that up into a few words they would be Hope, Peace, and Love.

I've come to hope that I will one day be able to tell him all the exciting and fun things I've done with my life since he has left. And so, I continue hoping and believing that one day I'll be able to do just that. So, I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and taking life one day at a time because I know that is what Alex would want me to do. I recently came across this saying: Because Someone we Love is in Heaven there's a little bit of Heaven in our Home. I love that quote, and I believe it with all my heart. I love you Al Bob and I promise with all my heart never, ever to put flowers on your tombstone (he would hate that so much). Perhaps I'll put a cookie or brownie there instead. He would have been 20 tomorrow and even though he isn't here with us know I'll be celebrating the memory of all the good and beautiful things he did in the short life he lived down here on earth.